Everyone I know in the funeral industry has a problem. Whether that be alcohol, substance abuse, or overall self-destructive behavior. For a group of people whose entire existence is spent being a calming presence for those who are experiencing the worst day of their lives, it almost makes sense that they would act out in inappropriate ways in their personal lives. So through this extensive experience and research here are the top 5 reasons I have compiled for funeral professionals to avoid, whether they are just starting their career in the funeral industry or have years invested.
Superman syndrome- I went to school for this, I'm the one with the degree, I can handle anything. Sure you can Bud. I would be remiss to acknowledge one of the core reasons why people get into this field is that we get a certain high from emotion problem-solving, and with that can develop some quite obnoxious coping habits. Such as viewing yourself as stronger than other people, even though it is not your grief that you are experiencing, you are experiencing others. I liken it to grains of sand in an hourglass, each grain of sand does not affect you, you're Superman! But day in and day out those grains of sand pile up and the next thing you know you are buried.
Imbalance between the funeral home and personal life- A Lot of this comes down to improper management from higher-ups. It is so hard to find anyone willing to work in a funeral home (anyone halfway normal anyway) that they will work you into the ground if you let them. Want more hours? Want to work another service? Great! Just take a nap in your car, we'll see you in an hour. The place where I did my apprenticeship had a bed in one of the offices for this very reason. Owners and managers will always do this, they will squeeze blood from a stone so to speak, until there is nothing left. That is why bright-eyed apprentices straight out of funeral college, willing to dive right in and prove themselves useful will very quickly be asking themselves what they have gotten themselves into.
There is no support group for us- In my long process of getting sober, I sought out any groups halfway related to what we go through, I sat in church basements with grieving widows, I dealt with creepy groomers trying to prey on me in AA, I even tried to line up my chakras with Reiki hoo doo nonsense. A long and winding journey looking for help under every rock I could, and coming up short. Everywhere I went people still thought of me as "the professional" and would turn to me for comfort and kind words, and of course, I would oblige them in their pain, but alas I always found myself in no better shape. That is why I created Undertakingalcohol.com as a place for us to gather and discuss our very specific traumas. Even if we join these groups, they do not know what we go through, that's not their fault. They go through one traumatic event and it messes them up for life. We go through three traumatic events daily and wonder why we had a breakdown at Subway because they didn't put lettuce on our sandwich and we can't stop crying in our car. (hint; it's got nothing to do with your sandwich).
Lack of physical fitness & nutrition- this could go for really any profession in modern America, but especially for people in our industry who aren't known for taking care of themselves shocker! How many chain-smoking old-timers do you know that go through a pack a day? Physical fitness is not one of the top priorities of most professionals, but it should be. In a world where the people we help are getting larger and larger, we should maintain an active lifestyle as best practice to have a long and healthy career.
Sudden Personal Loss- This one hit me hard during Covid, I lost one of my best friends Christmas of 2021, his parents found him deceased after quarantining away from him for two weeks. They were coming over to bring him his Christmas presents, and there he was. I received this very devastating call informing me of this while I was working at the funeral home, literally about to walk into the arrangement room to help someone with the worst day of their life, when all of a sudden I was facing one of the worst of mine. Events like this are nothing strange to hear if you are in the business. My story is relatively tame compared to what some of us have to face while being the face of professionalism. From my experience, this is the #1 cause of going down the path of alcoholism.
Bonus reason- Cataclysmic world events- OK I put this one on here because the first five reasons are sort of commonplace staples of funeral life and the pitfalls that go with that. But, 2021 and the mass pandemic event that we all experienced together have had great psychological effects on the people of our chosen field in ways that I don't think we still fully understand or will know the true devastation of until many years down the road. This event put us all in new compromising positions to where we were asked to serve without knowing what could happen to us, it very much felt like modern plague work to me. Because of losing friends and family in this event (and also being a raging alcoholic with no care for my wellbeing) I threw myself willingly into the chaos of the time with little to no regard for myself or personal longevity. I saw many strong-willed and battle-hardened professionals walk away, or crack up entirely, especially when WE were not deemed essential workers, BUT THE LIQUOR STORES WERE! I bring all this up to say to those of us who are still here, There is an ancient Chinese curse That says “May you live in interesting times…” This means that your life will be interesting and without boredom, but also no time in history has been more fraught with insecurity than our own present time, and for anyone who pays attention at all it will probably not be the last time.
So what do we do?!? Is there any help for us wayward souls plagued with a life of selflessness & giving? , smiling warmly, saying on repeat “so sorry for your loss” while feeling nothing deep inside, or worse, developing resentment for those who are grieving? I know it is like nails on a chalkboard, but it does indeed take a special person to do what we do. I've always thought you could substitute the word “special” with “deranged” or “masochistic” and they would fit better. But after two years of sobriety, I have come to accept the word special, because it is true. We are drawn to do what we do because we care about helping others. So in conclusion just remember to look out and be weary of these pitfalls I have laid out, whether you are just starting or have been doing this before the internet was a thing, just remember to not be so hard on yourself, this is a high emotional job environment and it is easy to lose sight of what called us here in the first place.
